Parties

I was talking to my friend Amber yesterday about a Christmas party she’ll be attending with her boyfriend this weekend. She’s feeling a bit reticent (nervous, self-conscious) about attending since she knows there will be times when she has to entertain herself.

You all know the situation. You attend a party with someone you’ve been dating, thrown by their friends. It’s just so hard to feel like you belong when there are 50 other people there who already know one-another.

I go through the same thing at youth group each Sunday night. We have 30 kids show up (sometimes 50 depending on the event) and within 2 hours we need them to have connected to someone outside the person who brought them. Of course we’re always working on it, but forcing them into a group of 6 – 10 people for an hour helps a lot! Unfortunately you can’t so that at a party.

Growing up I was incredibly shy. Not just “kind-of” shy, I would always sit in the corner, wonder why I couldn’t have fun like the people dancing, and just watch those around me and try to learn from them. There are a ton of reasons for this, which I won’t mention right now (I’ll bore you with those stories in some other posts).

Once I’d been at a place for a while I did get more comfortable and opened up a bit. After being at our church for a few years, I really felt comfortable there. I was able to welcome anyone new because I felt like I had a good group of people behind me. The same was true of family. After I really got comfortable spending time with my extended family (which took quite a while) I was willing to talk to other people coming to visit.

Another example might be something as obscure as visiting friends of the family once a year. The first time I’d go I wouldn’t talk to anyone and would hang somewhat close to my parents if I could. The second year it’d get a little better and I’d start to open up. By the third year I knew their house well, knew the people well, and felt comfortable enough to talk and not care if they thought I said something stupid.

I got a little better in high school when I realized that I’d have to get comfortable in a new situation pretty quickly, otherwise I’d just be on the sidelines all the time. When I went to lunch with my girlfriend and her friends the first time I really felt out of the loop. It took a couple lunches before I started talking. Now, I did tick some of them off, and we had very little in common. But it made things much easier for me, since I just wasn’t as stressed about what they thought of me.

I really consciously worked on getting comfortable quickly when I went to College. I was going into school a year older than anyone else (I’d taken a year off) and without knowing a single soul. Somehow, that first day, I made the effort to meet someone. During orientation we were asked to introduce ourselves to someone in the room. So I immediately turned to the person beside me knowing she was probably as nervous as I was (or more nervous, I was older and so more “experienced”, heh heh). We started chatting and had a hard time stopping. Melissa and I are still good friends to this day.

Just having Melissa there as someone who I could fall back on helped. Sometimes I worried that I latched on to her too much, but it all ended up fine. She lived on campus (I commuted) and I soon met a bunch of her friends.

Throughout life we continue to get thrown into new situations. The trick is to find a way to make those situations comfortable.

Right now at church I am so comfortable that whether I’m at church or away from church at some event I feel pretty at ease. Even at a restaurant with Rob or someone I end up being very outgoing and actively chat with our waitress. It just feels like I own the place, so why shouldn’t I talk to the other people who are there with me?

Even when we went down to Mississippi I had that generally comfortable feeling. I was there to lead the teenagers who’d come on the trip, so I quickly got an idea of what the schedule and plan was for the next day. I then got a quick idea of the area we were in and then just told myself that people will be coming to me for things, so I need to appear at ease with everything going on.

That was a bit different the first day of work, when I was put into a group of people and was not leading any youth. On top of it I was simply told to move a car and load it up, not knowing what to load it with, what we were doing or even who was in charge. Honestly, I got pretty quiet then. I just stood off on my own a bit, helping if someone needed it, but mainly waiting for some direction to come (kind of like a lemming without his header, walking around and bonking into walls). I was not looking forward to the trip at that point and was definitely feeling uncomfortable.

Soon enough Tim Tracy came by with forms on what we were doing. We loaded the trailer and headed out. With some direction and a plan I found it easy to get back into a comfort zone and talk. To see myself as the leader in some ways and I quickly went up and introduced myself to the home owner.

What I’m really working to realize is that no matter what situation I’m in I should feel secure. I may not be comfortable, since it’s hard to change when you’re comfortable, but I am safe. I have God there behind me to rely on. That’s definitely hard for me to remember sometimes, but I’m working on it.

So, getting back to Amber’s party this Saturday. The best I could suggest was to find some other people who might be a little lost. She’d been at the Christmas party the previous year and while she is still nervous about this year, there will be others more nervous than her.

She can also work herself into conversations with other people, almost being a little bit of a pest since she’ll have to continue talking to someone even if a friend of theirs shows up. But that is a great way to be introduced to others.

Like me, Amber really dislikes parties. I’ve found that a lot of people are more interested in one-on-one conversations instead of huge events. We have to do certain things for the ones we love, that’s part of how we show them that we care. Life isn’t comfortable, but God will keep it as safe as possible. The next step is changing perspective.

Instead of walking into the room nervous that you won’t meet anyone the entire night, maybe it’s easier to go in repeating to yourself that you are going to be comfortable and you’re going to meet a new interesting person. You may have no idea who that person is, but there will be at least one person you’ll meet and hit it off with.

I’m curious though. How do you get comfortable at parties or with big groups of people you don’t know? What do you say to yourself when going into a meeting of people you don’t know? What do you ask God for in these situations?

I’m sure any comments and advice you have would help Amber and probably a many teenagers when I repeat it to them.

Peace,
+Tom/Bob

posted by Tom at 1:48 PM