Blogging For Dummies 2 - The 'Rents
As I promised earlier, I'm going to add a bit to my last post. While the last one was good for anyone writing a blog, it was definitely geared toward youth who are still figuring out just what is okay and what's not when it comes to letting the world know how great they are. This post is for the parents, those people who have been entrusted with their kids' upbringing, and keep them relatively safe in this world of sin.But I know it's hard to understand some new technology, to see the horrible things which can be done, and decide you don't want your child any part of it. The other idea is to ignore (or not even know) that your child has a blog, and assume they know what they're doing on the Internet. In many cases it is true that your kids know more about the Internet and how to handle themselves. I've heard these guys talk, and most know it's stupid to give out your address to anyone, to assume the "girl" you're dating on IM is really a girl and not some "40 year old ugly fat guy" (word for word what one youth said to another during Starbucks last night).
So your kids do know the dangers, but they still need you to be interested in what they're doing. Also to be there and gently let them know that something they've said could be dangerous, or hurt someone's feelings. There are other people giving input, such as myself and Rob. But being interested in what your kids do on the Internet (interested, not critical or standing over their shoulder 24-7) should help them feel comfortable with you, and build trust so they do come to you if they think they've made a mistake or need advice.
Now, I'm not saying parents shouldn't be setting rules for their kids Internet usage. What I'm saying is that while ignoring it won't work, neither will cutting off whatever they are doing. Trust me, these guys are far smarter than you or I. If your relationship is not built on trust and mutual communication they will just go off and do what they want, making sure you can't find out about it.
people all over the world are putting up their feelings and emotions on blogs. Colleges are even encouraging it. See Blogging Clicks With Colleges. So it would behoove us to stop them from doing what colleges will probably make them do in just a few years. Instead we should talk about what's acceptable and what isn't.
Okay, that all being said, here are some ideas to help. First off, understand the language. I heard form one person who looked at some of the youth blogs that even when they could adjust their eyes to the contrasting colors, they couldn't understand what was being said. This link helps out a bit. But in general, think that vowels are optional, and acronyms are the norm.
For Example:
- srry - sorry (Y's only half a vowel :)
- rotfl - Rolls on the Floor Laughing
- lmao - Laughing My A** Off
Also, try not to get defensive. This is where your kids write about their feelings. You are a HUGE part of their life, and so they have a LOT of feelings about you. As you also know, as teenagers, the feelings they express most may not be love... But quite the opposite. Hey, you knew they were grumbling it when you sent them to bed early, or made them miss youth group to do homework (Okay, the last one might have been a stretch). Now they have a way of venting it. Let them vent.
Look at this more as a chance to really get to understand your teenager. Talking is great, but we're all so much more open when writing. Try to let the criticisms go. But if they talk about being really confused about something, use it as a chance to bring it up with them. You don't even need to do it face to face, just post a comment on their blog.
For example, if (if? heh, heh... when) Rachel begins dating and thinking about sex. She may not feel comfortable bringing up the subject with me (I hope she will, but only God knows). But she may mention it in her blog, which she'll know I read from time to time (see, communication, remember that one, she knows I'm not watching her every move, but every week or so I may check, and I'll tell her ahead of time I'll be checking every now and then). I may see that and not feel comfortable bringing it up to her either (I doubt it, but hey). So I could comment on the post, saying Sex is the devil's work, and don't look at boys until you're 40! Okay, seriously, I could mention that I've been through what you're going through, I love you, regardless of your decision, I'll be here to support you, and I'd like to talk whenever you're ready. It lets her know that I know, and lets her come to me whenever she feels ready.
Okay, enough on that. Next is safety. Look over your kids blog, and their profile every now and then. Make sure there's nothing that could specifically identify your kid to a stranger. See my previous post Blogging For Dummies - The Writer for some ideas on what they should and shouldn't be doing to keep their anonymity.
But the main thing I can say is what I've said before. It's all about communication. Tell your child you'll be checking their blogs, and their IM logs (Trillian has an IM log that tracks everything I write by person and date, others don't. It's worth switching and asking your kid to use that, as mutual trust and them learning compromise).
As with the previous post, this will change as I get more comments or more ideas come to me. So, please voice your concerns. I'm by no means an expert at parenting, and you may not agree with some of these ideas. There's so much out there, you can't be expected to know everything. I've been working with the Internet for about 14 years, I don't know everything but I do know a bit. Let me know what I can clarify.
Peace.
posted by Tom at
3:14 PM
3 comment(s):
In regard to the hypothetical future when Rachel starts dating and thinking about sex, you wrote, "I could mention that I've been through what you're going through, I love you, regardless of your decision, I'll be here to support you, and I'd like to talk whenever you're ready. It lets her know that I know, and lets her come to me whenever she feels ready."
Absolutely, we need to communicate to our children that we will always love them. But as parents and as a church, we also need to let our teens in on the truth that sex is good, better, and best in the context of a marriage relationship and it is not a faithful option otherwise. God didn't set it up that way because He's a prude. God loves sinners (and what a relief that is to me!) and he also calls us sinners to follow him to the really good life. He doesn't just get lovingly disappointed when we take the wrong path--scripture shows a God who also gets angry and who judges sin as just that--sin. His grace is his costly gift to rescue us from our sin, but that doesn't make sin OK. Somehow, we need to find better ways of communicating to our teens that wrong is wrong, while also assuring them that there is love and forgiveness both in us and in God. There so much "nonjudgmentalness" everywhere--as if the worst thing that could happen is for someone to feel bad about having done something. Well, there are things we OUGHT to feel bad about. That's what repentance and confession are about--and then the good news of forgiveness and a fresh start.
By
Anonymous, at
3/15/2005 8:32 PM
I have also received another e-mail regarding this post, and even mentioning something similar to the above comment.
I'll post the e-mail a bit later, but I did want to clarify. I believe our children should be appropriately punished for their inappropriate actions. They do need to understand that their actions have serious consequences. I may have not mentioned this enough in the e-mail. What I wanted to focus on is that if I find Rachel has a blog I will not shut it down immediately, instead I'll look it over, see what should be removed and talk to her about that. If she continues to disagree then I will have to make her shut it down.
I do keep a very open dialog with youth in G3 and will with Rachel, that they should wait until marriage to have sex. And, in fact, they should limit their physical actions with the opposite sex until marriage.
That all being said, I prefer that a youth in church (or outside the faith) feel comfortable coming to me for advice and consolation. I don't believe they can do that if they think the first thing I will answer with is some punishment. God's disappointment can be expressed later.
Sex may have been a bad example, as I just picked something out of the air to comment on. With Rachel Erin and I will have constant conversations with her regarding relationships, sex and everything. We'll let her know our beliefs, what can and will happen and how we'll react. Relationships are far too important to leave for a single conversation.
Thank you for your comments, I do hope this has helped.
By
Tom, at
3/16/2005 4:32 PM
Hi Tom, Thanks for your follow up comment. You said that you "prefer that a youth in church (or outside the faith) feel comfortable coming to me for advice and consolation. I don't believe they can do that if they think the first thing I will answer with is some punishment. God's disappointment can be expressed later." I must have seriously miscommunicated in my previous comment, if what came across was that I want or expect "punishment" to be presented as the response by God, the church, parents, or whomever in cases where kids are confused or faltering. Maybe you can help me understand what you mean by punishment, or what made you think I was calling for it?
In my mind, the miracle of the Passion is that God is willing to take sin's punishment himself, in order to free us sinners to live by grace. My previous comments were mostly aimed at underscoring that our kids are surrounded by cultural inputs that minimize any sense of absolute right or wrong--and this is dangerous to them. It is compounded by the kind of nondirective relationships they have with many adults (teachers, etc.). If scripture is right and sin leads to death but God's way is the way of abundant life--then we in the church don't do our kids any favors by not intentionally helping them discover the differences between paths to death and paths to life, and vigorously encouraging them to choose life. Sure, they will make their own choices. But they should be well-informed about what they're choosing--not just from the standpoint of how the choice looks from their own experience or expectations of life, but how it looks from God's.
It is a tragedy how many teens really don't know (or tell each other) that the loss of their virginity, for instance, is more often depressing and confusing than liberating and exhilerating. They expect the great thing that culture sets them up to experience--and find instead a hollow sham. Maybe this is more the case for girls. But how many would admit the hot tears of regret and confusion shed over the blood that showed them their virginity was gone. The "mystery" and romance was all too fleeting, if it was there at all. And afterwards, well I've made my point.
When we, as adults, actively or passively join the wider cultural chorus that kids are just going to do what they're going to do so our best hope is to help them get over the guilt of it, we fail to be as proactive as we should in equipping them to make RIGHT choices and cheering them on to reach their high potential by God's grace. If we set low expectations, we do them a disservice. That's all I'm trying to say. But at the same time, as I tried to put in my earlier post, we can and must be ready purveyors of the good news of forgiveness and a fresh start. And furthermore, we as adults need to discover these same truths and with God's help get beyond our OWN confusion about sin and grace and forgiveness, so that our own unresolved issues don't thwart us from being able to be straightforward with our teens. I say that to myself as much as to anyone else. I smoked pot as a teen. My own guilt (or lack thereof) about that complicates the conviction in my words and tone when I talk to my teen about drugs. I need to deal with that before the Lord, so I can be both honest and clear when I talk with my teen. The same with sex. But God help us if we short-change the next generation because of our confusion about our own.
By
Anonymous, at
3/22/2005 9:56 AM
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