Practicing what I preach

Life this past week just doesn't feel like it has been going well at all. I have been failing at so many things in so many different ways, letting people down at work, at church and at home. It is one of those weeks when you just feel like nothing you do is right.

I tend to get in these slumps every now and then. Usually after a major screw-up I then focus on the minor ones and everything just starts piling on.

I mean, in the past 7 days alone I have

• not organized the youth group well enough at an event (and kept us late);


• lost about 7 hours work of work entered by co-workers trying to do something quickly (leading to them losing faith in the application);


• been away from home multiple nights while Rachel has been sick;


• seriously doubted my role as youth minister;


• seriously doubted my role as a project manager;


• And given advice to youth which I don't even follow.

And these are just the 6 things which I can think of right now. Who knows what other relationships I have hurt without realizing it or what other confidences were lost through my mistakes.

When you think about it, things all could have been worse. I mean, someone could have died because of something I did. Worse yet (as Richard is fond of saying), someone could have been driven away from Jesus because of me, and not found that eternal life only He can give us.

Last night I went to bed thinking constantly to myself, man I've messed up pretty badly. What in the world can I do to get out of it? The thoughts just kept rolling around on ways I could solve the problems myself.

This morning I woke up realizing I can't fix this myself. I can't fix some of these problems at all.

So I stopped trying to find solutions to the problems and find a solution to the problem (and even figure out what the problem is). I stopped asking myself what I could do and began asking God what He wants me to do.

Two thoughts came quickly and clearly to mind. The first was a conversation I had with Rob about cracking my crown (I have, well had now, a dental crown on my front tooth). He recommended going home, taking some Motrin and trying to relax. Interesting advice since I know he'd never take Motrin for pain unless he'd cut off his finger, and even then he may not take any medication or even go to the doctor (ok, he would probably go to the hospital, his wife would convince him to).

It got me remembering a conversation I had with one of the youth earlier this week. We were talking about how bad life can feel sometimes and I was giving advice on ways to work through the really stressful parts of life (something I know a LOT about from growing up). More than anything I keyed in on the part where I told her that having a private journal would really help her work through some thoughts. It's a time you can get your thoughts out of your head and out there and open yourself up to advice from God. Interesting advice since the last time I kept a private journal was in high school (possibly college). More interesting since I gave the same advice to another youth about a year ago.

Why couldn't I follow my own advice? I know a private journal (sorry, it's impossible to really write it publicly, I rant and rave against anything and everything sometimes, and need it just for me and God to share).

In the short term I have a direction, to begin journaling nightly, even if I say absolutely nothing besides "I had a decent day". I need to really work through what's going on in me to really find some peace and open myself up to hearing His long term focus. I'm looking forward to what He has to say.

As a side I'm also thinking of sending an apology letter to the co-workers whose data I lost (wholly unprofessional in the eyes of our company). Any thoughts?

I have to tell you, it felt good. I am still feeling crummy because of all the things I've messed up, but at least I now have the beginning of a path to follow. I'm excited to learn where it will lead.

Peace,
+Tom/Bob

posted by Tom at 6:58 AM